My Biological Sperm Donor

Hello Babes and Bros

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When I was four years old my mother told me my biological father died in a car accident.

When I was 8 she told me he looked like a cross between Will Smith and John Leguizamo.

When I was 10 she told me his name was Randy

When I was 13 I found an envelope in her closet of custody papers saying that she had full custody of me and written on the front was “Katlyn’s possible father is FJ Mendes”.

When I was 16 I asked my mom’s mother and her father about my dad and they told me his last name was Allen and that they would tell me more when I was 18. (my grandfather died before I turned 17 and my grandmother won’t talk about it).

When I was 18 my mother told me that my biological father raped her when she was 15 at a house party and then 9 months late she had me.

After that I found the man who she said was my father thru Facebook, he was clearly not dead, I spoke to him and found out that my mother’s father took him to court to do a DNA test and proved that he wasn’t my father so the judge rewarded her custody because she did not bring anyone else forward. He actually had a relationship with my mom and I have a very good relationship with him to this day.

When I was 19 my mother’s high school best friend sent me FJ Mendes’s Facebook link. I messaged him for 2 1/2 years with no response.

When I was 21, maybe 22, I grew the balls to google his name and found his phone number. I decided to call him. (I also found out that he is the third and his biological father is a possible murder doing life in prison- who I wrote to and he thinks he’s my grandfather too).

It was almost exactly 5-6 years to date when he answered the phone. I said “Hello is this FJ Mendes?” He said yes and I said, “My name is Katlyn and I think I’m your daughter.”

We talked on the phone and thru Facebook for a week, he sent me a DNA kit, we planned to meet at one of my favorite restaurants.

I took my fiancé with me for support and when he walked thru the door it was like looking at an older male me.

We sit down and had a great dinner until he got a message on his phone which had the DNA results stating that there are some similarities in the DNA but that it is not enough to prove hi is my father. And I am devistated.

The next day him and I had lunch and he told me that he remembered the one and only time he met and slept with my mother at a party but he remembered using a condom…after lunch we went to a CVS to get a DNA kit. Took it together and he mailed it out.

About a week later we got the results that there were no similarities at all in our DNA. He told me he was sorry and would be there for me as a friend but basically wanted nothing to do with me.

I decided to message him back and tell him that my mom told me I was a rape baby and I didn’t need anything else from him except the truth and a blood test because I do not believe that he is not my father. He disagreed.

He stopped answering my messages.

I spoke to someone in the DNA department of the Steve Wilkos show and they said that if the same two people take multiple DNA tests then they should ALWAYS have the same outcome, not one with some similarities and the other with none.

He still will not talk to me. I still long for that father daughter relationship. I still do not know if my mother was telling the truth about rape or not. I still feel bad for having conflicting feelings. I still feel bad for not fully believing my mom. I still feel so much anger towards her for lying about my dad being dead and lying about what his real name was.

I will never get over this.

A girl needs her father.

A girl should have an amazing relationship with her mother.

A woman should not feel betrayed and broken by her parents.

 

♥∴

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To Forgive and Forget or Mend Your Own Heart

Hello Babes and Bros,

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I have been in a relationship with the father of my children for almost 8 years, we have been engaged for almost 7, and my heart has been broken by him more times than I like to admit.

They say that forgiving the other person is more for you than for them. When you forgive it’s supposed to be like a clean slate, move forward and don’t mention the issue again. Even if your head is going to explode and your face is turning blue and the pain is looping over and over again in your mind for eternity, just swallow it and paste a wide smile on your face. But wouldn’t that just be breaking your own heart on repeat?!

So full disclosure, my fiancé cheated on me for roughly two years starting about 5 years ago. Supposedly he never touched another woman but he approached one of my friends and tried to get her to sleep with him (I met her when I met him because the have known each other for years and even slept together once years before I knew either of them).
The other girl he says he just knows he could seep with her eve though she told the first girl that he hit on her (I’ve known her for 16 years and we have a lot of history).
The third girl I have also known for 16 years and he got her number out of my phone without me known and was texting her (as a secret admirer) for 6 months trying to get her to go sleep with him.
Now I did not know any o this; all three of them waited over a year to tell me and none of them are really friends and would have no reason to hurt me on purpose.
When I asked him, he of course denied it his exact words were “I do not know hwy they would lie” and, of course, none of the girls had proof.
To top it off a week later I found out I was pregnant with our third son…I took that as a sign to forgive him.

Well, about 3 months ago I couldn’t take thinking about it anymore so I asked him flat out if it was all true and he said it was but he never touched any of them and wouldn’t have. He claims to have only done it because around the time it all started I told him how many people I slept with BEFORE I EVEN KNEW HIM. And still I tired to let it go.

Now my point of writing this all down for, pretty much the entire world to see (not that my blog would ever be that popular) is to try and let it go for good? Maybe to get some advice on if I really should just let this go…or let him go.

It’s so conflicting, these emotions on the subject. On one hand, I’m yelling at myself that he technically cheated and disrespected me and just humiliated me over and over.
But then there’s the part of me that’s like I love him and he’s a good dad and he knows that I won’t put up with that again and he (as far as I know) has been loyal for the last three years since I found out everything.

I mean of course no relationship is perfect. I bitch a lot and am not always the nicest person. There are times when I don’t even wanna be around me. But I have NEVER and would never cheat on him or disrespect him in any way.

So fellow bloggers…..what is your advice? What would you do? How to I truly forgive? Will my heart ever not be broken?

♥∴

Deep thoughts…

Hello Lovelies

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So I just wanted to ping some thoughts off of you all, get some opinions and start some friendly debates. (The topics don’t really relate to each other at all)

1:      I’ve been seeing all these things online and in the news about the new abortion laws in NY and I just wanted to discuss it briefly.

I’m well aware that the abortion thing in NY isn’t just “ok I changed my mind I don’t want my kid”. However, I feel like there are so many things wrong with this. After a certain point in pregnancy you have decided to keep your kid no matter what. As I mother I could not imagine feeling that life inside me and then finding out my baby wouldn’t survive long outside my womb, my baby has already passed before living, or having my baby would kill me; I honestly feel so horrible for every woman in the world that has or will go thru those things. With that being said, I would never abort my child under any of these circumstances especially over 7 weeks (I say that knowing that I myself have had two abortions when I was younger, both at 6 weeks, but that is another discussion entirely!) I also think that choosing your own life over your child’s is very selfish.

Even with my opinion on this subject I can totally see how many women would opt for an abortion in later stages: let’s face it life sucks and it isn’t always fair. The couple that has been trying to have a baby for years will never have one, even if they would make perfect parents. The single woman who can’t find love takes life by the balls and goes to a sperm bank but finds out she has cancer half way thru her pregnancy and probably won’t live to see her child turn 5. Then there are the addicts or just shitty people that have a bunch of kids and abuse them or kill them. I am not saying that no one should ever have an abortion ever again because I believe everyone is free to make their own choices for their own life situations.

 

2:      I have an issue where I become obsessed with something….for a period of time.

So I’ll get addicted to reading, drawing, gaming, blogging, really anything I can make a hobby, but then after a week, or maybe a month I just stop. There will be no particular reason why and during my off stage I want to pick things up again but something just won’t let me. Like right now, totally in to this whole blogging thing but I feel like if I don’t get a lot of followers and feedback I’ll just give up. Also I am trying so hard to get thru this book, Turtles All The Way Down by John Green, and I want to read it because it seems interesting but I’m dragging thru it. I keep looking for other books or searching other types of blogs and I just want to get some feedback on if anyone else goes thru this and how you push thru.

 

3:      Does anyone else have catastrophic thinking? If you’re unfamiliar with this term it simply means that you think of something bad and then the bad thoughts just keep on going. Like worse case scenario thoughts. This does not necessarily  mean suicidal thoughts.

Like I’ll be driving and just think “Oh my God what if a nuclear bomb goes off right now?! I won’t be able to be with my children. I can’t tell my grandmother I love her. I can’t say goodbye to my brothers.” and I’ll just start balling in the car. Or I’ll stretch and my back will start stinging and I’ll be like “Omg I should go to the doctor. What if I have a nerve disorder?”

Like when you drive behind those trucks that have those logs or giant metal poles on the back and you’re like “Holy shit I have to move incase they come flying at me” with most people it ends there; but with me it goes to “So these poles come at me and smash right thru my windshield and hit me in the face. I’m in a coma for 5 years and come out o it not remembering anything for the last fifteen years. So I wouldn’t remember my fiancé, my kids or anyone I’ve met after high school.” I think it’s a serious problem and I need some opinions on how to stop this or if anyone else has these thought problems.

 

Lay it on me people. Lets get these debates going!!

♥∴

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

We must become what we wish to teach. — Nathaniel Branden

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For those of you that haven’t read my bio, I’m Kate.
I’m here really just to put some thoughts down.
I hope by voicing my thoughts I connect with people, even if it’s only one person, so they feel as alone as I often do.

Don’t worry this is not going to be some depressing blog diary; well not all the time.
Sometimes I’ll talk about motherhood (I have three sons), sometimes I’ll share details on a book I just read or a movie I just watched, hell sometimes there may even be talk about the crazy scary world we live in; really this will be a blog about anything and most likely everything.

Whichever way my posts go, I hope you enjoy them, send feedback, feel connected, hell start a civilized adult debate with me.
I love being challenged and want others insights; tell me I’m wrong and why, explain your religious views to me, share your motherhood war stories with me, tell me your deepest secrets…think of me as your safe space, because you guys sure are mine.

Looking forward to this journey with you all ♥∴